The smile faltered and then stubbornly was plastered back on as if it had never left.
“I’m not naive,” he said simply, as he cut a sigil into a bay leaf with his fingernails, watched the magic flare, and then put it on his tongue. He instantly felt better, and he sighed a little before starting on the next.
“I never really though we were actually going to have something, Mingyu, I was always prepared to let you go, or watch you go.”
The second bay leaf complete, it flared with magic, and he put it into his mouth too. It was getting harder to keep the smile up but he tried.
“I don’t believe in the best of people because it’s easy. It isn’t. People are assholes nearly all the time. Usually out of ignorance or fear, but they’re still assholes. You can tell me what a horrible person you are all you want, but you’re still just a person. No better or worse than anyone else. You still have the capability to make your own decisions.”
He felt a lot more clear headed, now, and his eyes were fixed on his fingers as they prepared a third and final bay leaf.
“I have no doubt you’ve done a lot worse than what I’ve seen. And I have no doubt that it haunts you, what you’ve become. For his sake. For mine. But I meant what I said before.”
He finished the leaf and broke it in two, offering one half to Mingyu like he did on the night they met.
“You don’t take pleasure in it. You don’t look happy about it. You’re not evil you’re just desperate. Even if I didn’t feel the way I do, I’m still your friend. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?”
"You're a little naive," Mingyu murmured, but a faint smile touched his lips at the tease.
Fox offered him the bay leaf piece and Mingyu's heart ached as he took it, remembering well that first night and all the nights after, the taste of bay forever flavoring their kisses, the smell of a freshly bruised leaf never failing to remind him of his love.
It was about month two when he had all his plants taken away.
He tucked the bay leaf into his mouth, shut his eyes briefly at the familiar sweetness, the rush of clarity, and resisted the urge to fold himself into Fox's arms right here out on the street.
"Yeah, of course," Mingyu murmured, pulling Fox right back into his arms, gripping him tight with a squeeze. Then he began to lead him down the street, in the direction of his apartment, all the way down to the corner of the block before speaking again—
“For—“ He hesitated, and then hummed lowly. Maybe he should just drop it? He should drop it.
He swung their hands a little between them as he looked off down a side street as they passed.
“For making you sad,” he finally said, because he was unable to keep much of anything in, when he was thinking about it. “While I was waxing drunk philosophy over text.”
"Well, if anyone should be sorry it ought to be me. For letting you think I was someone else," Mingyu replied, picking up Fox's hand to kiss his knuckles.
"...all I want is for you to be safe and feel loved. Whether that's with me is completely incidental."
It wasn't, not really, but Mingyu wanted to believe that it was. That he could be the kind of man who was fine as long as Fox was safe and well.
There was no question in whether or not he was fine if Fox wasn't.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot the initial text," Mingyu recalled suddenly, stopping them in their tracks briefly in his surprise before catching himself. They continue on, Mingyu's grip on Fox's hand all the tighter.
"...did you mean that? Just... Just me, from here on?"
"...are you sure? What if I'm not nice about it? What if I've already run through all the graciousness I have?" Mingyu murmured, a lightness to his voice in spite of the weight of his words. He tugged Fox along, still a few blocks from his place.
It was a beautiful night. Mingyu barely noticed, so preoccupied with Fox, but the skies were clear, the air was crisp—
"What if I say you can't take it back...? That if you promise me everything, I'll take it all."
Fox came to a halt again, tugging on Mingyu’s hand to stop him.
“When have I ever told you to deny yourself?” He asked, serious. Even if Mingyu’s smile was making him very hot under the collar. “By the way? That. That’s the smile I was talking about. I’m not going to get any sleep tonight, am I?”
"...mm, maybe if you beg," Mingyu ventured, then laughed softly as he pulled Fox in again so long as they were stopped, pressing their foreheads together in fondness.
"You're right, you're right. Begging will only make it worse. You can sleep in the morning."
"You're the only one I've found since my parents passed, and all that I've known since we met," Mingyu pointed out, smiling again because this was a point of contention between Fox's future self and him as well, one Mingyu only believed in more and more the more time passed and the more of the world he came to know.
Fox truly was everything, had always been.
"...and I think you'll be surprised just what I have in me these days."
“I’ve seen other things make you smile,” he teased, thinking of their double dates with Rushi and Jade. But he wasn’t in a mood to argue too long. “It’s alright if you can’t see it now. I’ll show you again.”
The smile broadened, eyes crinkling. “Oh yeah? I’d like to see that. Show me whatever you want.”
"Say that again after you've seen my place," Mingyu sighed, kissing Fox softly on the lips once more before taking him by the hand once again to continue on their way. It wasn't much farther, just down the block, to the left, then across the street.
Anxiety began to gnaw at him as they drew closer; he'd been in such a rush to get to Fox he hadn't cleaned even slightly. Not that he would've even given the time, since the whole point was to... let Fox see.
"...why do you like me so much, anyway?" he sighed as they came up to his building, biting down briefly on his lip. "I know it's not what everyone else sees, but... whenever I get to thinking about it, I just can't figure out what it might be."
"No, I meant... I don't know. What do you like about me? Between what I was like when we met and how I am now— I can't figure it out. I feel like someone completely different, for better or worse," Mingyu attempted to elaborate, a brief look of frustration crossing his face. He knew exactly whether it was for better or for worse, but he didn't want to keep making Fox go over the same argument over and over again.
He let out a breath, cocking his head to the side.
“I don’t think you actually are all that different,” he murmured. “You were wounded when I found you, too, it was just... older. Distant. You were still closed off from everyone else, you just wore a kinder mask to do it.”
He turned his head away, slipping his hands into his pockets as his brow furrowed.
“I guess I just always... felt I lined up with you somehow. Like we vibrated on the same frequency.” He’s said this before, but he doesn’t know. It was in the future for him, still. “It’s just... really easy to be around you. Even now, when you do things that I want to shake you for, it’s like... I get it. You know? I think sometimes we’re opposite sides of the same coin. I’m sure I— I’m sure I would look the same, if I lost you.”
"I don't think so," Mingyu began, then stopped himself to revise with a shake of his head.
"...I hope not. I hope you don't have my darkness in you, and I hope the light that you are never dims," he whispered instead, almost like a prayer, casting a single, longing look at the clear night skies. Then he motions for Fox to follow him in, moving ahead to get the door to the apartment open.
He followed, but he spoke on the way, frowning at the back of Mingyu’s head.
“You need to stop talking about it like a separate entity. There’s no darkness in you, just like there’s no light in me, not really. We’re just people who make decisions based on the circumstances we’re presented with. Humans do shitty things. I do too. Don’t make me out to be some paragon, I’ll only disappoint you.”
He waited while Mingyu opened the door, still watching his back.
“Our past decisions don’t determine our future ones, you know. Not if we don’t want them to.”
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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“I’m not naive,” he said simply, as he cut a sigil into a bay leaf with his fingernails, watched the magic flare, and then put it on his tongue. He instantly felt better, and he sighed a little before starting on the next.
“I never really though we were actually going to have something, Mingyu, I was always prepared to let you go, or watch you go.”
The second bay leaf complete, it flared with magic, and he put it into his mouth too. It was getting harder to keep the smile up but he tried.
“I don’t believe in the best of people because it’s easy. It isn’t. People are assholes nearly all the time. Usually out of ignorance or fear, but they’re still assholes. You can tell me what a horrible person you are all you want, but you’re still just a person. No better or worse than anyone else. You still have the capability to make your own decisions.”
He felt a lot more clear headed, now, and his eyes were fixed on his fingers as they prepared a third and final bay leaf.
“I have no doubt you’ve done a lot worse than what I’ve seen. And I have no doubt that it haunts you, what you’ve become. For his sake. For mine. But I meant what I said before.”
He finished the leaf and broke it in two, offering one half to Mingyu like he did on the night they met.
“You don’t take pleasure in it. You don’t look happy about it. You’re not evil you’re just desperate. Even if I didn’t feel the way I do, I’m still your friend. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?”
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Fox offered him the bay leaf piece and Mingyu's heart ached as he took it, remembering well that first night and all the nights after, the taste of bay forever flavoring their kisses, the smell of a freshly bruised leaf never failing to remind him of his love.
It was about month two when he had all his plants taken away.
He tucked the bay leaf into his mouth, shut his eyes briefly at the familiar sweetness, the rush of clarity, and resisted the urge to fold himself into Fox's arms right here out on the street.
He offered Fox his hand in return instead.
"Ready to go?"
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“Yeah, I’m ready. Sorry. Honestly I don’t even like drinking that much, I just— I don’t know. Needed to unwind somehow I guess.”
He took Mingyu’s hand in his, warm and secure, and gave it a squeeze.
“Have you forgiven me yet?”
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"...for what?"
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He swung their hands a little between them as he looked off down a side street as they passed.
“For making you sad,” he finally said, because he was unable to keep much of anything in, when he was thinking about it. “While I was waxing drunk philosophy over text.”
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"...all I want is for you to be safe and feel loved. Whether that's with me is completely incidental."
It wasn't, not really, but Mingyu wanted to believe that it was. That he could be the kind of man who was fine as long as Fox was safe and well.
There was no question in whether or not he was fine if Fox wasn't.
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He didn’t follow up right away, letting the moonlacing bloom pleasantly between their hands as they walked, before finally:
“That’s what I figured out, I guess. Today. I mean I knew it before on some level, but...”
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"...did you mean that? Just... Just me, from here on?"
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He turned, surprised, and then swallowed as his face got hot.
“Ah— I mean... yeah. I wasn’t going to uh, like, say anything about it but—“ he rubbed the back of his head with his free hand.
“... Yeah. Just you.”
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It was a beautiful night. Mingyu barely noticed, so preoccupied with Fox, but the skies were clear, the air was crisp—
"What if I say you can't take it back...? That if you promise me everything, I'll take it all."
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“I mean, that’s what people usually do when they’re dating, right? So why even ‘leave my options open’ in the first place?”
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"If you've decided on me... I won't continue to be polite about it."
The look he cast in Fox's direction was scored with a predator's smile.
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“When have I ever told you to deny yourself?” He asked, serious. Even if Mingyu’s smile was making him very hot under the collar. “By the way? That. That’s the smile I was talking about. I’m not going to get any sleep tonight, am I?”
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"You're right, you're right. Begging will only make it worse. You can sleep in the morning."
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“Mm, I’d better not complain at all, then.” He leaned up on his toes to steal a kiss and then murmured: “... It’s nice to hear you laughing.”
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"...I never really laughed much before I met you, you know. All the light in my world, you brought to me."
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"I think there's a lot more light out there than just me," he murmured, smiling. "But I still like making you laugh, if I can."
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Fox truly was everything, had always been.
"...and I think you'll be surprised just what I have in me these days."
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The smile broadened, eyes crinkling. “Oh yeah? I’d like to see that. Show me whatever you want.”
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Anxiety began to gnaw at him as they drew closer; he'd been in such a rush to get to Fox he hadn't cleaned even slightly. Not that he would've even given the time, since the whole point was to... let Fox see.
"...why do you like me so much, anyway?" he sighed as they came up to his building, biting down briefly on his lip. "I know it's not what everyone else sees, but... whenever I get to thinking about it, I just can't figure out what it might be."
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“What do you mean why? It’s not like I made a list of pros and cons and decided to.”
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“I don’t think you actually are all that different,” he murmured. “You were wounded when I found you, too, it was just... older. Distant. You were still closed off from everyone else, you just wore a kinder mask to do it.”
He turned his head away, slipping his hands into his pockets as his brow furrowed.
“I guess I just always... felt I lined up with you somehow. Like we vibrated on the same frequency.” He’s said this before, but he doesn’t know. It was in the future for him, still. “It’s just... really easy to be around you. Even now, when you do things that I want to shake you for, it’s like... I get it. You know? I think sometimes we’re opposite sides of the same coin. I’m sure I— I’m sure I would look the same, if I lost you.”
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"...I hope not. I hope you don't have my darkness in you, and I hope the light that you are never dims," he whispered instead, almost like a prayer, casting a single, longing look at the clear night skies. Then he motions for Fox to follow him in, moving ahead to get the door to the apartment open.
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“You need to stop talking about it like a separate entity. There’s no darkness in you, just like there’s no light in me, not really. We’re just people who make decisions based on the circumstances we’re presented with. Humans do shitty things. I do too. Don’t make me out to be some paragon, I’ll only disappoint you.”
He waited while Mingyu opened the door, still watching his back.
“Our past decisions don’t determine our future ones, you know. Not if we don’t want them to.”
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